Positive Sarcasm Presents: American Hypocrite

'Twas the night of the election and all thru the town, not a liberal was smiling; just a wet, sloppy frown.

The ballots were collected and counted with care; and the winner is a man with a big orange face...and infamous hair.'

You idiots were told very distinctly and very recently, not to trust the news. Well, that's what you get for not paying attention to the trend. Every single major US network news channel including FOX News and AP, nearly every major US newspaper and nearly every major US online poll had Hillary Clinton running away with this election. Who do you think actually goes out to get the numbers? CNN? No, stupid. They pay an independent firm who is either, lazy, incompetent, or has an agenda of their own to collect and deliver information or in this case, misinformation. But for some odd reason, everyone had it wrong. Everyone. Even FOX News bought into the majority of what everyone else was doing and assumed that Goldmember had no chance of stepping foot inside the White House, unless he was tagging along for a High School field trip. Then at the stroke of midnight, the sobering tally of electoral votes turned Cinderella into that Herpes pumpkin you fucked after a bad breakup.

Now the crying, in many ways, I can completely understand. Yes, it's very easy to mock and spoof, but hey we all cry for weird reasons, so I'll move pass that. However, rioting I won't. Anyone who thinks the most intelligent protests would be at a major University should be deported to Stupidville. College kids are morons. I know, I was one, I knew how to smuggle booze on campus and yell shit at R.A.'s without getting caught. I was surrounded by a vast majority of similar idiots doing the same thing, but we only cried during sporting events, Yankees/Red Sox, y'know...important stuff.

However the kid who crapped in the Urinal, that was a rogue mission, we had nothing to do with that.

When you say you're going to have a peaceful protest, unless it's a hunger strike, you can bet your ass the morons and professional protesters will cling on to your cause and when the media fixes their cameras on your protest, that's when windows get broken, cars are vandalized, civilians get hurt and your protest meets The Thin Blue Line, this line is very simple, cross it and the Police will then consider you a threat to the general public.

Regardless of what you say during the protest, your catchy slogans such as “Not My President” and “We Hate Trump”, are numb, pointless and hollow.

Here's why: I have five email accounts syncing by the minute to three devices. They go back almost a decade with no gaps and zero administrative staff to organize them, yet you chose a Secretary of State whose job is to be organized (Secretary) as your candidate of choice, who made over 30,000 of her Top Secret Santa emails...disappear. Then she lied about it in front of congress, the congress “We The People” voted for. WHY?!?!?! You had the perfect guy in Bernie Sanders to give you the free health insurance and college education that you happily would have squandered in your own selfish douchery. But instead, you kicked that poor Jew from Brooklyn (Bernie) to the Curb in favor of the house of cards that is Hillary Clinton who couldn't hold a candle politically to Barack Obama or Mitt Romney.

Now you want to move to Canada? Fine, see ya. Just in case you're not aware, we have plenty of other people ready to fill your vacancy, loser. Everyday, from all over the world, people are applying for H-1, H-2, K-1 and Refugee status, this can take months, often years.

First off, why Canada? Are you too good for Mexico? Oh in a rush, you'll fill your fat, stupid face with Taco Bell or Chipotle, but when it comes to the genuine article, you suddenly lose your appetite for Cilantro. Fuck you, Hypocrite.

What's a little drug war and bad water supply to stop you from scoring cheap real estate, stocking up on Boner Pills, plus opening up a nice little coffee shop with a steady flow of tourist dollars? We in the US also have a massive drug war and a water problem. We also have an obesity problem, political corruption, school shootings, an Opioid crisis, an obsolete education system and a mental health problem...especially on Capitol Hill. How's Cancun looking right about now? I bet you could score some real nice ocean front property in Baja for cheap money instead of migrating to that over-populated, over-priced, over-fantasized Los Angeles. Hope you like bloated taxes and higher gas prices! You American Political Refugees seriously believe your better off in Canada than Mexico? It doesn't snow all that much in Southern California, but you might see a snowflake or two in Toronto or Vancouver...who also rioted after their Hockey Team lost in the Stanley Cup Final. Why do you think everyone in New England acts like assholes? Cus we get buried in over six feet of snow; which cancels school and now we have to spend time with our annoying children for another 8 hours before digging our cars out and shoveling the driveway, FUCK!

Mexico...Two Oceans.

Canada...Bears.

Look, I get it. Your fighter lost. The news lied to you and WILL keep lying to you. A lot of Americans (including myself) either didn't show up to vote and if they did, they wrote in Harambe, the dead gorilla.

Your screaming at each other on Twitter and Facebook, like that solves anything. Your venting, you've supported something for so long, only to see it fail. Now you're here, Donald Duck is President and your not sure what to believe in or think, your in a panic. Your guzzling Maple Syrup in hopes that you'll turn into a Canadian Citizen. When you calm down and realize that America is still here, call your friends that you yelled at on facebook and ask them to talk. Tell them that you love them and that your sorry. That's what a country of united people would do. Build a relationship based on common interests and common goals, appreciate balance and diversity, don't force it. Respect a difference in opinion, don't talk over it and call it bigotry.

Please understand that as of today there was just as many stupid people in your country as there was before November 8th...don't make yourself one of them.

By the way...Bernie Sanders just purchased a third house.

POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: STATE OF THE UNION

I can't fly. I can't read minds, I don't have superhuman strength.

But I can run my mouth with the best of them...and it's time to UN-stitch my beak and turn up the volume.

Yes I've been away for a while, tending to some business and personal matters, so it's not like I have time to watch much TV, not that I would want to with all the craziness going on. Now it's bleeding into my digital peripheries while absolutely nothing is being done to control the chaos that we are sinking back into. Anyone ever see New York back in the seventies? The place was on fire every night. Riots, murders, violent protests, corruption, race wars. I guess nothing has changed.

That generation eventually found common ground to help build a better city while holding on to the core values of their heritage, it made for a more colorful and vibrant environment. Food, music, language...a little cocaine thrown in. From all accounts, it was beautiful.

What are we now, a bunch of vegan eating, Rhianna bopping (work, work, work) politically correct cock-smoochers who are too afraid of an off-color joke, cus if they're caught on video laughing at a Jew joke, the very thought of packing up their bullshit trinkets and Employee of the Month certificate will straighten their face right out and send them hiding for safety in the HR department....FUCK that loser. That person is a virus that seems to be running thru society ever more so lately. You can relax, douche, just cus I sound angry doesn't mean I'm planning an office massacre. First off, I gave all my guns away and second, If your gonna see me in the news, it'll be either for becoming a tour DE force in the peanut butter market...or for smacking Caitlyn Jenner and calling her a twat(still doesn't have one).

Let's get back on point, the soft have become softer, like mucus stuck to hot pavement, and the hard, well they murder cops or vice versa, blow up theaters, run over parade goers, shoot up offices and ambush night clubs.

Our president who has yet to allow Edward Snowden back into the United States, said that he intends to fight Terrorism with Diplomacy. Comedian Joe Rogan said it perfectly, “That's like fighting Global Warming with Ice Cream.”

What happened? America used to be the underdog, small, but strong with a puffy chest and a nasty bite. You don't mess with that dog's turf, that's his lawn, his family, his carpet to pee on. That little Pit bull Terrier will chase you down the street and chew your jeans off. Now according to the voting polls, we're either bloated, tumor ridden Labradors who chew on prescription meds like their fucking gummy bears OR... we're backwoods Rottweilers subjected to shovel beatings and pumped full of PCP as we look at Mexicans and Muslims like they're chew toys waiting to be ripped apart.

Don't build a wall, build a better Mexico! Maybe they'll wanna stay there. Do you see a bunch of Swedish people or Canadians fleeing here on a weekly basis? No, cus Sweden is totally cool and Canada has universal health care, not like the one we have, that financially rapes you with every paycheck and even more during tax season when you don't have it.

For the record, this is the worst pair of presidential candidates to have ever debated one another. One treats money and power like the other treats honesty and national security...they wipe their ass with it and set it on fire. How you gonna cast a vote for that? You can't vote for the lesser of two evils, you have to object to both, problem is a quarter of our population has an IQ under 75 (run Forrest, run) while the other Republicans simply just follow suit and the liberal half pop Xanax, carry consensual sex forms in their back pocket and wear “threat whistles” to Matinee showings to Tina Faye movies.

I like Tina Faye...her crowd not so much.

Let's face...I have a newly acquired talent for stirring shit up. Maybe that's what we need right now, cus everywhere I go, I see flags constantly at half staff, obesity quickly becoming the flatulent majority of this country, news coverage graphically over-saturated with daily tragedies and misinformation. The only thing that's accurately reported is the beef between Taylor Swift and Kim Karfatassian.

When did this country become so fucking stupid? When did we stop asking the right questions? Will we ever accept the right answers? Going forward, are we going to elect our political and spiritual leaders like it's the dollar menu at Mcdonalds? You know it's pure shit...but you order it anyway. LEARN TO COOK, YOU BALLOON SHAPED FUCK!!!

 

...Now then...i wrote an article a few months back about fighting the good fight, essentially saying that win or lose, it was your job to represent what's good in this world and defend it's ideals at all cost. Now it's time put up or shut up, create your dreams, fight your nightmares, don't mince words, get it all out there, cus don't expect justice and karma to always swing around the block and rescue you from your problems...cus your next problem might be me. If you've had your emotional legs cut out from under you, learn to walk on your hands, you'll have boulder shoulders in no time. If you've been stabbed in the heart, pull that blade out of your chest and show your adversary who's fingerprints are on the handle.

Oh that reminds me, I'm tired of people making up bullshit dream quotes and shoving them under their 5th selfie of the day, “no ones opinion matters but your own, just be you!”...okay...what are you, then? A dinner table for dicks? A gargle buffet for balls? Why'd you get that tattoo on your chest, does it give you superpowers? No? Well I think you got screwed then. You might need a second opinion after all, preferably from a psychiatrist. I've seen a few in my day...anyway.

As a population, I don't think we have enough going on in our lives that lean towards a more constructive existence, basically we become occupied with pointless crap or just completely lazy and misguided. As a country, it's the exact opposite, I think we have too much going on and we need to embrace the basic principles of the past in a more modern format. Oh and if I got a problem with your shit and it's fucking up my universe, I'm gonna tell you about it and don't wonder about what I'm doing, I'll make it all public soon enough, just like everything else...and just like this article.

...Your fucking welcome.