Positive Sarcasm Presents: THE REPUBLICAN'TS VS THE DUMBOCRATS...A FORBIDDEN LOVE STORY
Ever seen Romeo & Juliet? It's totally like that. Follow me on this; what if Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton secretly...are lovers. After what I've seen on TV and Social Media, nothing should be ruled out.
All of that hateful rhetoric being thrown around is all a giant distraction from two flawed human beings, who twice a week meet at the Airport Radisson and proceed to sexually overpower each other with breathy campaign slogans while Secret Service guards the door. She checks in under the name 'Fainty McButtercalves' to draw away any possible attention from the media.
Back in the 80's and 90's when Big Willy Clinton was meat-plowing Secretaries and IHOP Servers, poor little Hillary was stuck at home with nothing to do, but to choose what color Tweed Jacket she was going to wear out to her weekly Bilderberg Book Club meeting. Even on her Husbands campaign trail, she was alone, with human needs, just wanting to be cuddled after being throttled like a 1200 CC Harley.
Then one day at a rally in Manhattan, she met a man with more shoulder padding in his suits than most offensive lines in the NFL. His charm was sharpened from all the Miss Universe contestants he smashed on the regular, but he craved something more, something challenging, something of potential power. The calorie deficient runway models were no longer a challenge for him, he had a secret thirst for conservatively dressed women with thick pale thighs. He stared through Hillary like a thin slice of turkey at Subway. You know why Hillary faints? It's whenever she sees The Donald. His musky cologne and pervy orange smile turns her undergarments into a Disney Water park. They had to have each other. No woman has ever dared to run their fingers through The Donald's hair, it has it's own atmosphere that allows it to stay just so perfectly light and fluffy, like Angel Food Cake.
While Bill was crushing donuts for some public relations photo shoot, The Donald invited Hillary to the Plaza Hotel over by Central Park, the sexual tension as they passed through the majestic lobby was mounting with every step of his Italian Oxfords and her modest Ferragamo pumps. “Where are we going, Mr. Trump?” she said with an anxious tremble... “To Heaven, my dear. Ever been there? It's 18 stories up.” He replied with a smirk.
One elevator ride and two sprays of Binaca later, the elevator opened ever so quickly to reveal the two in full chapped lip lock, struggling to unbutton each others Wool Jackets...cus it was cold out. Thankfully, Mrs Clinton had already peed before meeting Donald, so there wasn't that pre-sex waiting period where the chick's gotta use the bathroom before jumping into bed. Hillary was purring like a kitten as Donald removed his pants...but left his socks on...cus it was cold in the Penthouse.
He squeezed Hillary by her once child bearing midsection and pronounced his ever-growing love for the 1984 Arkansas Mother of the Year. “One day I'm gonna make you Senator of New York, so we can screw New Yorkers as hard as we are about to screw each other. “
They made passionate, sweaty, Bi-Partisan love for 7 minutes...she got a cramp in her leg and his acid reflux started to act up so they laid on the bed recovering and planning their affair.
Through the years, campaign scandals, ex-wives, lawsuits and donations from foreign entities, the two Presidential candidates, despite all the public scrutiny regarding Hillary's email server, managed to successfully conceal her love letters to The Donald as they recited movie quotes from 'Sleepless in Seattle' and 'You Got Mail', cus how do you not love Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan? I mean they were just meant for each other, right? I cry every time I see it...fuck, I cry during every movie, actually.
No matter who wins the election, One will financially pardon the other through some federal accounting “snafu”, poor Bill will contract some terminal STD, he's pretty old anyway, so it won't really matter. Then after Hillary suicides the FBI Director, and bankrupts the country, Donald can funnel all his assets into offshore accounts and while filing for bankruptcy for the fifth time, laying off his entire US workforce and after Hillary resigns from office citing health reasons, she will file for divorce from Big Willy, so that finally, the two star-crossed lovers can runaway together to Switzerland, a non-extradition country...and they will live happily ever after.
I'm Bernie Sanders...and I approved this message.