POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: STATE OF THE UNION

I can't fly. I can't read minds, I don't have superhuman strength.

But I can run my mouth with the best of them...and it's time to UN-stitch my beak and turn up the volume.

Yes I've been away for a while, tending to some business and personal matters, so it's not like I have time to watch much TV, not that I would want to with all the craziness going on. Now it's bleeding into my digital peripheries while absolutely nothing is being done to control the chaos that we are sinking back into. Anyone ever see New York back in the seventies? The place was on fire every night. Riots, murders, violent protests, corruption, race wars. I guess nothing has changed.

That generation eventually found common ground to help build a better city while holding on to the core values of their heritage, it made for a more colorful and vibrant environment. Food, music, language...a little cocaine thrown in. From all accounts, it was beautiful.

What are we now, a bunch of vegan eating, Rhianna bopping (work, work, work) politically correct cock-smoochers who are too afraid of an off-color joke, cus if they're caught on video laughing at a Jew joke, the very thought of packing up their bullshit trinkets and Employee of the Month certificate will straighten their face right out and send them hiding for safety in the HR department....FUCK that loser. That person is a virus that seems to be running thru society ever more so lately. You can relax, douche, just cus I sound angry doesn't mean I'm planning an office massacre. First off, I gave all my guns away and second, If your gonna see me in the news, it'll be either for becoming a tour DE force in the peanut butter market...or for smacking Caitlyn Jenner and calling her a twat(still doesn't have one).

Let's get back on point, the soft have become softer, like mucus stuck to hot pavement, and the hard, well they murder cops or vice versa, blow up theaters, run over parade goers, shoot up offices and ambush night clubs.

Our president who has yet to allow Edward Snowden back into the United States, said that he intends to fight Terrorism with Diplomacy. Comedian Joe Rogan said it perfectly, “That's like fighting Global Warming with Ice Cream.”

What happened? America used to be the underdog, small, but strong with a puffy chest and a nasty bite. You don't mess with that dog's turf, that's his lawn, his family, his carpet to pee on. That little Pit bull Terrier will chase you down the street and chew your jeans off. Now according to the voting polls, we're either bloated, tumor ridden Labradors who chew on prescription meds like their fucking gummy bears OR... we're backwoods Rottweilers subjected to shovel beatings and pumped full of PCP as we look at Mexicans and Muslims like they're chew toys waiting to be ripped apart.

Don't build a wall, build a better Mexico! Maybe they'll wanna stay there. Do you see a bunch of Swedish people or Canadians fleeing here on a weekly basis? No, cus Sweden is totally cool and Canada has universal health care, not like the one we have, that financially rapes you with every paycheck and even more during tax season when you don't have it.

For the record, this is the worst pair of presidential candidates to have ever debated one another. One treats money and power like the other treats honesty and national security...they wipe their ass with it and set it on fire. How you gonna cast a vote for that? You can't vote for the lesser of two evils, you have to object to both, problem is a quarter of our population has an IQ under 75 (run Forrest, run) while the other Republicans simply just follow suit and the liberal half pop Xanax, carry consensual sex forms in their back pocket and wear “threat whistles” to Matinee showings to Tina Faye movies.

I like Tina Faye...her crowd not so much.

Let's face...I have a newly acquired talent for stirring shit up. Maybe that's what we need right now, cus everywhere I go, I see flags constantly at half staff, obesity quickly becoming the flatulent majority of this country, news coverage graphically over-saturated with daily tragedies and misinformation. The only thing that's accurately reported is the beef between Taylor Swift and Kim Karfatassian.

When did this country become so fucking stupid? When did we stop asking the right questions? Will we ever accept the right answers? Going forward, are we going to elect our political and spiritual leaders like it's the dollar menu at Mcdonalds? You know it's pure shit...but you order it anyway. LEARN TO COOK, YOU BALLOON SHAPED FUCK!!!

 

...Now then...i wrote an article a few months back about fighting the good fight, essentially saying that win or lose, it was your job to represent what's good in this world and defend it's ideals at all cost. Now it's time put up or shut up, create your dreams, fight your nightmares, don't mince words, get it all out there, cus don't expect justice and karma to always swing around the block and rescue you from your problems...cus your next problem might be me. If you've had your emotional legs cut out from under you, learn to walk on your hands, you'll have boulder shoulders in no time. If you've been stabbed in the heart, pull that blade out of your chest and show your adversary who's fingerprints are on the handle.

Oh that reminds me, I'm tired of people making up bullshit dream quotes and shoving them under their 5th selfie of the day, “no ones opinion matters but your own, just be you!”...okay...what are you, then? A dinner table for dicks? A gargle buffet for balls? Why'd you get that tattoo on your chest, does it give you superpowers? No? Well I think you got screwed then. You might need a second opinion after all, preferably from a psychiatrist. I've seen a few in my day...anyway.

As a population, I don't think we have enough going on in our lives that lean towards a more constructive existence, basically we become occupied with pointless crap or just completely lazy and misguided. As a country, it's the exact opposite, I think we have too much going on and we need to embrace the basic principles of the past in a more modern format. Oh and if I got a problem with your shit and it's fucking up my universe, I'm gonna tell you about it and don't wonder about what I'm doing, I'll make it all public soon enough, just like everything else...and just like this article.

...Your fucking welcome.

POSITIVE SARCASM PRESENTS: THE SUPERHERO IN YOUR HEAD

You wake up slowly to the Saturday alarm on your phone, you know, the iPhone with the cracked screen and ugly oversized case “protecting” your selfie maker. You roll over to see your partner, who only hours ago lit up the night with their caffeinated smile and brand new skinny jeans, is now face-f&*king the pillow covered in eyeliner. You’re no better either, reeking of Tequila and Mexican food or maybe sushi…really, sushi sucks. Eat a burger you punk bitch.

            Anyways, you stumble into the bathroom to confess your sins and blast shower water that’s so hot, Dustin Hoffman would cringe in his sleep. After spending a few extra minutes in the shower trying to figure out where the bite marks on your nipples came from, you place both feet on the cold floor and stare straight-faced into the mirror as the minty bristles begins to coat your gums. This is the exact moment where Superheroes are born.

            While brushing your teeth or shaving your face, ladies not excluded, you go thru the days schedule and somehow saving the world fits in nicely between the days errands. You give the mirror that far away look, while lifting your shoulders and flexing your biceps. For that one intimate moment, you imagine the fate of the world relying on if you finished all your shopping on time.

            So what if you don’t have any combat training or cool gadgets? The fact is we all have a certain power, a kind of “Superpower” if you want to call it that. Maybe your not as strong or as angry as The Incredible Hulk, but if the Yankees keep giving up 3-run Jacks to Detroit, that 55 inch Plasma is easily seeing daylight as it pierces the glass and lands on the front lawn. Maybe your ride isn’t invisible or as fast as Wonder Woman’s plane, but once a month if you have a poor choice of words for your lady friend, she can quickly make your balls vanish into your stomach with just the surface of her foot. See? Superpowers. We have them. So what’s your Superpower? What superhero can you relate to? Let me say this before you get ahead of yourself, nobody can be Superman. He wasn’t born on this planet so he’s technically an alien. So unless you crash-landed in Roswell, New Mexico back in 1948, stick to those who were born or created on this planet at least. That means Thor is out too. However, maybe you have qualities similar to Batman, your friends are always in trouble after the sun goes down and you have to spring into action to bail them out of a situation…or jail.

Maybe you’re like Catwoman and you have a certain affinity for leather, whips and causing the trouble instead of getting people out of it.

Maybe you’re like Spiderman and came out of the closet at an early age. The point is that you have options!

            I personally enjoy The Hulk, but he has a knack for destroying just as much stuff as he fixes, so I’ll pass on the big green guy, plus his wardrobe sucks.

            I’m locked in on Captain America. Patriotic, yet isn’t afraid to question his government, rocks a cool blue outfit; which is my favorite color, but my biggest link to good ole Steve Rogers is the amount of punishment he takes throughout his path to victory. You can beat his ass over and over again, but he will defend his territory, friends and ideals to the death.

Have I given you enough information to help think about what caped crusader you may be more like? My advice, go stand in front of the bathroom mirror, hit your coolest pose that you’ve perfected since the age of 11, then find a nice comfy spot and grab yourself a beer…or a bong. Now proceed to just use your imagination and consider these two questions, what kind of hero are you and how will you save the day?