FOUR COURSE MEAL

APPETIZER: EULOGY

On a lighter note, everyone can rejoice in the knowledge that death forgets no one. So don’t worry, you’ll be invited to at least one party in your life and you’ll most likely be the center of attention, unless cousin Tommy shows up with his Armani Coat, four-door Jaguar and swimsuit model wife, then you may have to settle for second place. At least you’re in for nice long nap that won’t be interrupted by someone’s annoying car alarm.

Now who’s the poor sap that has to prepare your words of farewell? I mean, consider all the things you’ve done wrong in your life and the fact that someone else has to stand up at the podium and paint a halfway decent portrait of your sorry ass for twenty minutes. It was pretty funny that your funeral invites went out on facebook. At least you kept up with the times. Most importantly, who gets your 1997 Toyota Camry with 238,000 miles? Maybe God needs it, I heard times are tough up in Heaventown and layoffs are rumored.

TOSSED SALAD: JUSTIN BIEBER

      I’m confused, wasn’t the Lamborghini that Bieber was drag racing a rental? Who the hell would lend a $200,000 convertible to a clown under the age of 25 for a paltry $1,500 a day? Well it’s legal and the company did, to a hyper-spoiled Canadian pop star that after two beers resembles a Taiwanese bantamweight boxer wobbling back to his corner in the 11th round of a title fight.

       You’d think that all 140 pounds of the Biebs would learn something from Paul Walker’s tragic mishap, but instead he’ll put together a Delta Force like legal team and never serve a day of the potential 18 months in prison. However if in fact incarcerated, I’m sure he could brush up on his “twerking” skills.

MAIN COURSE: SUPERMAN VS. BATMAN

            I can’t do it. I’m sorry, but after a thousand movies, hundreds of sequels and dozens of reboots, I’ve decided to finally throw in the towel. I am, without a doubt, a fan of ‘Man of Steel’ and ‘The Dark Knight’ trilogy. But after so many opportunities to cast Joseph Gordon-Levitt or recast Christian Bale…you end up with Ben Affleck? So apparently Bruce Wayne is from Dorchester, Mass and has a wicked ‘Southie’ accent. I would go purely for the comedy aspect, but I’m drawing the line with this one. I will NEVER watch this movie and as a blockbuster fanatic, this statement sits perfectly fine in my stomach. If you look at the calendar of theater releases, there plenty of huge popcorn flicks coming to satisfy my palette for the next five years. I’m sure once the sequel to Avatar draws near, the buzz for this will quickly fade.

DESSERT: LEGALIZED PROSTITUTION

            Oh forget about making weed legal, you want to lower stress levels in this dying country and save everyone from a possible mall shooting? How about monthly mailer with deals and discounts from the local “Purple Fox”, your neighborhood friendly brothel? Before you start getting offended, don’t worry; right next to the ‘Purple Fox’ there’s the lady friendly ‘Prince Broadswords’. Imagine this as an anniversary present for that bored couple. Also it would certainly clean up the streets, not mention the IRS would be seeing a lot more revenue coming (…ha…) their way. Imagine all the road rage fading into oblivion as your commute home just became more relaxing. This is exactly what the new healthcare mandate is missing…Happy Endings! Why take Prozac when your health plan could include a “rub ‘n’ tug”?