“Kama Sutra” - Ancient Indian Hindu text widely considered to be the standard work on human sexual behavior. A portion of the work consists of practical advice on sexual intercourse.

“Kamikaze” – Suicide attacks by Japanese military pilots in the closing stages of World War II, designed to destroy warships more effectively than was possible with conventional attacks.

            Did you understand all that? Now go steal your partner’s undies and run around the house with a plastic bag tied around your head while pleasuring yourself to reruns of “The Flintstones”. WILMA, I’M HOME! NOW CHOKE ME!

            I understand. As a male, sex is wonderful, spiritual and life changing…until you’re done. Then you just want to lie down in front of the TV and cry. As a female, sex is supposed to be emotional, bonding, and stress relieving…until he’s done. Then you just want to cry and hit him over the head with the TV.

            Maybe your rebuttal to my statement is “well my sex life is great”, to which I reply, “I DON’T CARE” If you have a great sex life, I don’t want to hear about it. However, if your sex life isn’t great, you may end up like the actor David Carradine hanging naked dead in a closet in Bangkok; which in this case, I will most likely hear about it. Have you choked on your Panini yet?

            I understand that certain religions and cultures have specific sexual guidelines, and that there are limits to what a person is allowed to do with themselves and other parties. On the flipside of this groin-coin, the idea of having a sex life compared to the simple motion of a rocking chair has almost become an outdated thought process and like the immediate need for faster food, faster news, and faster overall gratification, our sexual balance is not maturing at a healthy pace and is therefore, mutating and spinning out of control to point of every time a new teen pop star debuts a new music video, we’re either grabbing the closest available lubricant and rubbing our junk against the screen or we’re fastening dildos to plug-in power drills. Please know that if your considering either action to grab a heart healthy lubricant such as olive or coconut oil and to always plug your power drill into a surge protector because most drills are not water proof.

            What I find funny in today’s world consisting of over six billion people and a few donkeys or sheep, is that the two things we strive for the most, money and sex, we have yet to find a healthy balance to either. A person is now either too poor or too rich, or having too much or not enough sex. I can’t just have that 40-foot yacht; I have to have one the size of a soccer field finished in stainless steel and shaped like the Delorean from “Back to the Future”. And of course you can’t just have the pretty blond with the perky C-cups who likes to have her hair pulled, nooooooo, you also have to have her church-going sister who’s practicing to become a nun!

            Isn’t an OREO cookie disgusting enough to where we hopefully won’t shove three of them inside of a triple cheeseburger with glazed donuts used as the bun? I can’t even enjoy the visceral beauty of a hurricane on the weather channel without looking at the ‘eye’ of it as another orifice to shove my proverbial boner into.

            Now if you believe the answer to avoid becoming a sexual deviant is finding god, don’t be surprised if you wake up the next day all battered and bruised from being beaten with a sex toy, because your religion may very well be a small part of the problem to begin with! There are many other factors to also consider, but the fact is that if you repress or suppress something for too long, the pressure will eventually mount to a Pompeian sexual catastrophe that will consume you and others around you. Learn to respect the power that is your libido and if treated properly thru a healthy “diet” we may very well stop the Sun from turning Planet Earth into it’s bitch.

            If you think I’m going to hell for I’ve said, guess what? Heaven has ‘lifetime’ and hell has ‘Cinemax’, I know where the parties at.